Writing

A shipping and office supply store wants to sound relevant on X. Let’s make fun of ourselves before someone else does.

And yet Karl remains unfazed. The man is a true professional.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) May 5, 2020

You could send flowers, but when’s the last time she got a romantic fax on Valentine’s day?
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) February 14, 2020

I am:
Bubble wrap.

Seeking:
Someone to hold close and protect from the dangers of this world.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) March 6, 2020

To the guy who keeps showing up in gloves and fancy shorts: Not that kind of boxing.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) January 22, 2020

It’s like they always say: Laminations prevent lamentations.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) February 6, 2020

Life is like a box of boxes. It has boxes in it. 📦
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) January 22, 2021

The DMs didn’t work, but have you tried sliding in the mailbox?
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) February 3, 2020

Angry lawyer: I want the truth!
Us: We’ve always given you the fax.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) May 20, 2021

Our freight shipping services prevent millions of “I can haul this piano by myself” related arguments each year.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) January 23, 2020

We realize the irony of this Tweet, but there’s no better way to get a message out than with our direct mailing services.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) February 3, 2021

If it can be packed, it can be shipped. If it can be shipped, it can be packed. Even small ships. Even small packs.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) February 19, 2020

Them: I wish someone would give me a sign.
Us: We can’t just print these things for free.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) March 28, 2021

Bubble wrap was originally invented as a doormat to scare away intruders.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) February 20, 2020

That time we hired a life coach for our office supplies:
Tape, you need to keep it together.
Box, never fold under pressure.
Copy machine, be yourself.
Magnets, you’re doing great. Just keep it up.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) February 21, 2020

We print envelopes so fancy they’ll throw away the card. Unless we also printed the card.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) February 24, 2020

We briefly tried writing the cards too.

Birthday: It’s your birthday. Have a birthday.
Graduation: You’re smart now.
Boss’s Retirement: You were my boss.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) March 10, 2020

Superhero idea: The Copycat. Part copier machine. Part cat. Speaks in a combination of meows and beeps. Prints his own comics.
— The UPS Store (@TheUPSStore) February 5, 2020

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